Saturday, March 27, 2010
Just a not so silly thought…
Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the "would've, could've and should've in life. It's a peaceful place for me because it describes a time free of mistakes, pain and loss and I enjoy getting lost in those moments of yesterday. As a young girl growing up in Philadelphia, I had no idea of the challenges waiting to face me as I matured into a woman. Yesterday was such a safe place. No cares, no worries, no debt, no responsibilities, and no heavy loads to carry when you could barely carry yourself.
As a woman today, I realize that I lived a life burying pain, hurt and loss in order to rid myself of my rightfully justified emotions. I also realize that I have been angry and resentful as a result of abandonment, injustice and punishment that wasn't mine. I buried these feelings so deeply that for years, there was no trace or evidence to show that they were ever my reality.
Thirty years later, I am now challenged to embrace the little girl within, love and comfort her and let her know that it is alright. I will never be able to change my past, the pain, the discomfort, injustice, punishment or abandonment but I am starting the process of realizing that even “would’ve, could’ve and should’ve would not have been able to save me because the life I have was predestined.
I have to be my own soldier and stand up for me. There are lyrics that say “You can’t hurry love” well I say “You can’t bury love.” For many years, I buried a part of me. I am love, I have love and I gave love to everyone and everything except the depth of me. Yesterday is long ago, but today and tomorrow, I am raising up the dead. I will love the depth of me.